User:Deadfire/Interesting Battletech Things

Funny quotes, tropes, memes and text from both the Battletech Universe and the related real life situations of it.

Equipment section of the BattleMech Manual

• Autocannon — "This is my BOOMSTICK!"

• Rotary Autocannon — "It costs 72,000 C-Bills to fire this marvel of Davion engineering for 10 seconds."

• Machine Gun Array — "You see, it's kind of like a gatling gun made out of gatling guns. . ."

• Medium Range Missile Launcher — "One giant leap backward. It's like the Succession Wars in missile form."

• Heavy PPC — "This is the Lord's Light 3, the most powerful PPC in the Inner Sphere. It's my very favorite gun. I call her Doris."

• Plasma Cannon — "We have perfected your 'Plasma Rifle', Spheroid. That will be one Assault 'Mech." - Clan Diamond Shark Merchant.

• Claws — "RIP AND TEAR!"

• ECM Suite — "Only one man would dare use Somerset jamming techniques on me! ADAM STEINER!" - Nicolai Malthus, The Somerset Strikers series, broadcast 08/12/3052

• Targeting Computer — "All I'm saying is that it stops being just a computer when you've added four tons of servos and waldoes."

• Lance — “At last I can joust with a fusion bomb between my legs.”

• Mechanical Jump Booster — Go go Blakist Jump Booster!"

• Partial Wing — "Not so much flying as falling with style."

• Rocket Launcher — "Surprisingly ineffective as a jump jet aid."

• Stealth Armor — “WARNING: DOES NOT ACTUALLY TURN YOUR ’MECH INVISIBLE.”

• Supercharger — "Well, sir, it all started when Technician Barton told Davis to hold his beer. . ."

• Actuator Enhancement System — "New from Defiance Industries: the Axman, now with Kung-Fu Grip!"

Condottiere Assault Craft

A small craft that is leased, rather than sold, to customers. In a raid in 3139, a Draconis Combine force raided a Federated Suns world. Both sides had Condottieres as escorts or defenders. When they engaged, the Condottieres on both sides promptly ignored each other to attack the DropShips that they were supposed to defend. You see, there's a mutual non-aggression clause in the Condottiere's lease that prohibits any models on opposite sides of a battle from firing on each other.

The Jolly Roger affair

The Jolly Roger affair, which saw the comical levels of incompetence that plagued early ComStar's ROM and ComGuards in full display. The ROM supplied several groups of pirates with high end 'mechs and aerospace assets, so said pirates could weaken their regional opponents. However, two leaders of said pirate groups, "Black" Jack McGirk and Darleen Dunson fell in love with each other and declared they would unite their outfits into a single unit, one that proved too strong to be controlled. ROM then sent forth a ComGuard Precentor to negotiate a return to ComStar's agenda, he fudged the negotiations so badly that his unit had to shoot his way out of the meeting, killing Darleen Dunson in the process. This development made McGirk understandably upset and he proceeded to embark on a campaign of extermination on any and all ComStar units he could find, ComStar responded by throwing a full division at him, thinking it would be a roll over. Under most circumstances, it would be, had it not been for the fact that ROM had spent the last 3 years supplying him with roughly a Regiment's worth of high end Battlemechs, which were being driven by skilled pilots, hardened by years of piracy and warfare, and baying for ComStar's head after they caused their beloved boss' death. Without the overwhelming tech disparity to hold them back, the pirates managed to inflict horrendous casualties in the ComGuards, who were forced to just overwhelm them with numbers, something they would suceed in doing, but the resulting bodycount would favour the pirates a little over 2 to 1.