User:Deadfire/Interesting Battletech Things

Funny quotes, tropes, memes and text from both the Battletech Universe and the related real life situations of it.

Accurate Lore-Based Mech Descriptions

These are credited to author and long time friend James Bixby

• Cougar - after receiving a cease and desist from Dissonance Pyrite LLC for infringing on the intellectual property that was the Adder Omnimech. Clan Jade Falcon decided to re-imagine the light attacker with similar but overall better look. (Fuck Harmony Gold)

• Phoenix Hawk IIC - A Clan Steel Viper Scientist bumped into an elemental one day, and the file folders for the Phoenix Hawk IIC, Matador, and Ristar Battlemechs got mixed up. The Mech Intended to be the Phoenix Hawk IIC was never developed and instead we got this 80 ton monstrosity. (actually a True Story)

• The Celestial Series Omnimechs - Few know that Precentor Vapula was among other things a Papercraft enthusiast

• Devastator - It is like all of your nightmares fused into one being, cloned itself, fucked it's clone and spawned THAT as a result.

• Hellstar and Cygnus - LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! BOYS AND GIRLS! CHILDREN OF ALL AGES! CLAN HELL'S HORSES AND CLAN WOLF-IN-EXILE PROUDLY BRING TO YOU THE SOLARIS VII TAAAAAG TEAM CHAAAAAAAAMPIONS OF THE SPHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE!!!!

• Vulcan - Created by a Swiss engineer to provide the very best of the least effective weapons a BattleMech has to offer.

• Hunchback IIC - Turns out, putting the cockpit next to two very large cannons is even worse for upholstery and Clan Mechwarrior hearing than the Inner Sphere version. However they will tell you the ringing happening in both ears is as Kerensky intended. You Freebirth.

• Kodiak - Khan Jorgennson was absolutely devoted to the idea of a totem mech that could do the Care Bear Stare. Once the Large Laser was installed in the Center Torso he didn't care what else went into it. Fortunately his scientists did.

• Lupus - In the grand tradition of the Kalashnikov rifle, Khan N'Buta ordered Clan Star Adder's entire stockpile of Lupus Omnimechs buried in the Dagda desert. A century later they were dug up, and we then learned that this is not a viable test for the ruggedness of Battlemechs

• Annihilator - Due to the sacrifice of everything in the name of firepower, the Annihilator even goes without a Fire Control system in exchange for a giant red button that must be head butted to be triggered.

• Dire Wolf - Normally the Lord works in mysterious ways, but not today. This is 100 tons of hatred spewing DIVINE intervention. This is a mech crafted to be so powerful that it's primary configuration is essentially Two MAD-1R Marauders strapped together. it's Bravo Configuration can stop an armored Battalion dead in it's tracks, and it's wide open customizability has churned out nightmares like the Widowmaker, Prometheus and Hohiro. The only way anyone has ever built a mech capable of greater destruction is by saying "we don't need 15 fixed heat sinks when the engine supports 12, lets make those pod mounted." That extra half ton isn't a handicap BTW, it is there to force you to take an ER Small laser so you can Thomas Hogarth the effing point to people who dare oppose you. It is a masterpiece of engineering, it is Beethoven's 5th, it is Starry Night, it is Citizen Cain, it is the Philadelphia Cheesesteak, it is Kenny Omega. It is 100 tons of steel and sex appeal. It is, The Dire Wolf.

Equipment section of the BattleMech Manual

• Autocannon — "This is my BOOMSTICK!"

• Rotary Autocannon — "It costs 72,000 C-Bills to fire this marvel of Davion engineering for 10 seconds."

• Machine Gun Array — "You see, it's kind of like a gatling gun made out of gatling guns. . ."

• Medium Range Missile Launcher — "One giant leap backward. It's like the Succession Wars in missile form."

• Heavy PPC — "This is the Lord's Light 3, the most powerful PPC in the Inner Sphere. It's my very favorite gun. I call her Doris."

• Plasma Cannon — "We have perfected your 'Plasma Rifle', Spheroid. That will be one Assault 'Mech." - Clan Diamond Shark Merchant.

• Claws — "RIP AND TEAR!"

• ECM Suite — "Only one man would dare use Somerset jamming techniques on me! ADAM STEINER!" - Nicolai Malthus, The Somerset Strikers series, broadcast 08/12/3052

• Targeting Computer — "All I'm saying is that it stops being just a computer when you've added four tons of servos and waldoes."

• Lance — “At last I can joust with a fusion bomb between my legs.”

• Mechanical Jump Booster — Go go Blakist Jump Booster!"

• Partial Wing — "Not so much flying as falling with style."

• Rocket Launcher — "Surprisingly ineffective as a jump jet aid."

• Stealth Armor — “WARNING: DOES NOT ACTUALLY TURN YOUR ’MECH INVISIBLE.”

• Supercharger — "Well, sir, it all started when Technician Barton told Davis to hold his beer. . ."

• Actuator Enhancement System — "New from Defiance Industries: the Axman, now with Kung-Fu Grip!"

Condottiere

A small craft that is leased, rather than sold, to customers. In a raid in 3139, a Draconis Combine force raided a Federated Suns world. Both sides had Condottieres as escorts or defenders. When they engaged, the Condottieres on both sides promptly ignored each other to attack the DropShips that they were supposed to defend. You see, there's a mutual non-aggression clause in the Condottiere's lease that prohibits any models on opposite sides of a battle from firing on each other.

The Jolly Roger affair

The Jolly Roger affair, which saw the comical levels of incompetence that plagued early ComStar's ROM and ComGuards in full display. The ROM supplied several groups of pirates with high end 'mechs and aerospace assets, so said pirates could weaken their regional opponents. However, two leaders of said pirate groups, "Black" Jack McGirk and Darleen Dunson fell in love with each other and declared they would unite their outfits into a single unit, one that proved too strong to be controlled. ROM then sent forth a ComGuard Precentor to negotiate a return to ComStar's agenda, he fudged the negotiations so badly that his unit had to shoot his way out of the meeting, killing Darleen Dunson in the process. This development made McGirk understandably upset and he proceeded to embark on a campaign of extermination on any and all ComStar units he could find, ComStar responded by throwing a full division at him, thinking it would be a roll over. Under most circumstances, it would be, had it not been for the fact that ROM had spent the last 3 years supplying him with roughly a Regiment's worth of high end Battlemechs, which were being driven by skilled pilots, hardened by years of piracy and warfare, and baying for ComStar's head after they caused their beloved boss' death. Without the overwhelming tech disparity to hold them back, the pirates managed to inflict horrendous casualties in the ComGuards, who were forced to just overwhelm them with numbers, something they would suceed in doing, but the resulting bodycount would favour the pirates a little over 2 to 1.

Baka

A Dark-Age variant of the old Inner Sphere Standard Battle Suit called the "Baka" swaps out the suit's jump jets for additional weapons. The suit gets it's name from the message that flashes across the unit's HUD when the pilot tries to activate the removed jump jets. (BAKA = You idiot!)

Sheliak

During the Clan Invasion, Sheliak tried challenging the invaders to a game of American football for the Trial of Possession for their world under the idea that maybe the Clans didn't know how to play. Unfortunately for them, the unit that was invading their planet was an Elemental-heavy cluster from Clan Ghost Bear, where american football was a popular pastime for Elementals. The defenders noted that while they were utterly crushed, it was still the cleanest game they'd ever played because the Clanners considered it a mark of shame if they got a personal foul.

Alacorn

The Alacorn's popularity received an unexpected boost when its crews discovered that the unique truncated pyramid can of the popular Federated Suns Pharaoh beer was the perfect track tension gauge. As only a freshly opened can has the exact measurement required, Alacorn crews are renowned for making frequent and extremely thorough track maintenance checks.